The Luckiest

I got home from my 12 hr shift at midnight last night. Typically after working an evening shift, I sneak upstairs to see if Snugs is still awake, but he's usually sacked out, since he gets up at 6:30 or so for work. But last night he was awake, watching a movie on his laptop to keep him awake long enough to see me. I wasn't ready to fall asleep yet, but wanted to be warm, so I crawled in next to him to claim a few minutes of catching up on our days before he fell asleep. In lying there talking to him, I was reminded of how lucky I am to be with him. I wonder how I got the best that there is. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful, funniest man that I know and I don't think that I marvel at that fact often enough. Here are the two things he said that made me realize that I am the luckiest: 1) When I asked him to throw stuff in the laundry, as I was going to start wash today, he told me he'd already started it. 2) When I left for work yesterday, I had just started to put plastic over our ancient and drafty windows upstairs. He had finished putting up the plastic last night and when I asked if he was all done up there, he said, "no, I saved the blow-drying for you, as I know that's your favorite part". (sniff) He truly is the greatest! He remembers those little details, he sometimes reads my mind and starts things before I do (even when we haven't talked all day due to work!).

Did I mention my birthday? He surprised me with a plane ticket to Florida for Jan, so Little Sis and I can fly down to meet up with our parents for a few days- he said he remembered how much fun she and I had down there 4 years ago with my parents and their friends and he wanted to make sure I had that opportunity again.

I am grateful...today, tomorrow and hopefully every day.

One Tough Bird

Note to self: if you buy a "stewing chicken" it is literally just for that...stewing. It means it's going to be a tough old chicken that makes great stock and that's it. I had bought a stewing chicken and some chicken thighs to cook up for stock and then use the meat in soups. However, I discovered that the meat from the stewing chicken couldn't even be pulled from the bone, whereas with the separate thighs that I bought, the meat just fell right off the bone. So, lesson learned: stew with it, don't try to eat it.

How to...

How to see your normally very mellow husband hit the roof....send your less-than-three-year-old TV to the repair shop (trying to support local businesses and fix the TV rather than just buy a new one like they told us at Best Buy), wait almost 3 (yes, 3!!) months to get it back, then turn it on only to see that the "bowing out" of the screen is now "bowing in" and after 1.5 hrs of watching it, it shut itself off again. So, in essence, NOTHING got fixed!!! $144 and 3 months and that's what we got?!??!! I though Snugs was going to blow a gasket.

A Visit

I was at work today and my all-time favorite little patient came to visit me. Well, not so little anymore, as he'll be 5 next month. He and his twin sister are up to my waist now and are chatty as can be. Cole first showed me all of his scars from the surgeries that were performed on him while he was just a wee tyke and informed me that "sometime it would be fun to live in here", pointing to the unit where I work. He obviously has no concept that he did live there for the first 4 months of his life. Thankfully, babies don't remember the weeks and months that they spend living in ICC, usually separated from their parents. Cole's mom is in awe of how perfect and healthy he is- the only remainders of his time in the hospital are those scars. Well, those and my fond memories of taking care of him from the time he was a jaundiced little 3 day old until he was 4 months old, rocking him to sleep, teaching his mom and grandma how to take care of him with all of his medical "accessories", admiring his crazy blond hair that stuck up straight and those huge blue eyes. Sigh.

Why I Love Fall

The photos say it all...

The lone tree in our little backyard

Apple picking yesterday in Waconia at Deardorff Orchards, a great little family-owned orchard on a quiet dirt road

How 'bout them apples for cooking? Made applesauce today with the Haralson "seconds"- a large bag of barely bruised or barely pecked apples for only $5. Yum.

My parents and I picked raspberries at their friends' place last week. And people wonder why I would love a place that has land and space to grow things like this!

Not Ready to be Done

It's a fine evening to do some projects. I am home alone, it's quiet, comfortable, I have a hundred things I could be working on and I don't want to do a single one. The living room, which was painted last week and is undergoing redecoration, is screaming to be finished. Every time I walk by it, I rearrange the mess on the couch, stare at the the array of curtains we're considering, and walk away without really doing anything. I attempted to put up a curtain rod tonight, but that mostly involved drilling a hole in the wrong place, couldn't drill a deep enough hole to get the anchor in all of the way, and then the part of the rod that you're supposed to screw to the wall is getting in the way of the screwdriver, making it impossible to finish tightening the piece and now it's hanging there all askew. So, we'll leave that for my better half to finish. 40 minutes wasted on something that turned out wrong anyway. I could bake or cook- I have enough veggies sitting around, just waiting to be made into something tasty. But I am so sick of washing dishes that it makes me want to avoid the kitchen completely. I could have worked more out in the yard while it was still light, mulching, moving some more plants around, digging out the little rocks that are out front, planting some fall grass seed. But I didn't feel like it- it's more fun to do that when someone else is around to help me out. I'm sitting in the basement, with a pile of paperwork to go through that is at least 12 inches high, but that's less than appealing right now. Excuses.
I am starting to wonder if I just need a night off, to rejuvenate and get some energy to finish these projects. Or perhaps I am incapable of finishing things, for fear that once they're done, I won't have anything else to do or to think about. Sometimes the mere idea of spending so much time arranging and rearranging the things we own seems so bizarre and almost a waste of time. I wish I didn't care how things looked or that I could look past them and not see the pile of things on the couch that are waiting to be put away.

Makeover

The internet is back on. Praises be.

I was hanging out in the basement this morning and realized that it's Sept 15, which means that a year ago, we started the major remodel on the basement. Prior to the remodel, you wouldn't have caught me "hanging out" in the basement. I have photos of the before, the process of, and the finished product (though the finished photos are somewhat old and don't show that we've actually decorated a little and added doorknobs, etc). The before photos don't really do justice to how icky it was downstairs. The photos make it look light and bright, not gloomy and damp and cold, which is the truth of what it was. 2 dirty lights in the dingy ceiling, 2 tiny windows that were dirty as can be, freezing cold and damp year round, a big room with no definition to it, one awkward closet that had no light and was triangular shaped (making it impossible to put anything large in it, as things got stuck in the tight angles of the shelves), ugly tile floor, loud creaky stairs, ugly things along the staircase, bugs everywhere. All in all, it was screaming for a makeover. My father-in-law is an architect and drew up fantastic plans for the basement, though I did have moments when I wondered how we were going to fit a family room, office, and bathroom all in this one space. Our friend Kevin was our unofficial contractor and did a huge amt of the work, as did our friend Justin.

So, the "before" photos...

You can faintly see in this photo that there are blue tape marks back by the triangle closet...that's where the bathroom and office were laid out. At the time, I couldn't imagine that those were ever going to be large enough to accommodate people.


The stairs. Yikes.

Kevin dug the hole for the egress window a year ago today. That was the official start of the remodel.

Within 2 hrs, GCNP and Kevin had this hole ready to go.

Here are some "during" photos...this process took from Sept to March...mostly because of money and time constraints for us.

Digging out the floor for the plumbing...if we'd had cats, they would have been the happiest felines ever, given that there was a giant sandbox in our basement.

And finally, the nearly finished project as it was in April, when we scrambled to get things done in time for a surprise party for GCNP's 30th birthday...

The family room

Bathroom
Shower

More of the family room...aren't the stairs a HUGE improvement??
GCNP's office, which we call the Hubby Cubby, as it's 7x7.

We'll be paying this all off for a long time, but it was worth it.

Technology Dependent

I am without internet right now and it is KILLING me. I am off work for a chunk of days right now, so I have no access to emails, banking, paying bills, etc unless I go to a coffee shop. Not very convenient when I'm at home painting and doing a bunch of projects (photos will eventually follow, when I have internet at home again). I had to call up my sister and announce to her that I'm coming over to use their internet. So I am sitting here in their office while she and her husband sit on the couch and get caught up on their day. Weird. I really didn't know how dependent I was on the internet until I realized that I can't check the weather online, I can't check email to find out where my family is in the plans for birthday get-togethers next week, I can't finish making plans with friends for coffee dates, I can't update my facebook status, I can't blog about the things that are running through my head as I paint all day. My next thought after realizing that I can't check the weather online was that I could just turn on the TV. Nice idea, until I remembered that our TV is in the repair shop (note: they don't make 'em like they used to- that TV is less than 3 yrs old!!!!!). I had no idea how much I used modern technology in my everyday life. And I am struggling to make it...so I'll be on the phone with the wireless company and Xcel tomorrow (they cut the power lines to the wireless node, in the process of removing GIANT elm trees in our neighborhood- another sad story to blog about). I am afraid that they're going to start labeling me a "problem customer", as it will be my 4th or 5th phone call to them this week.

I can feel it!

I am obsessed with summer, can't get enough of it, never want it to end...until I get a whiff of fall and then the anticipation of a new season comes around and summer is cast off like last year's shirt.
Fall is in the air...
Technically, it's still summer and what a glorious summer it's been! But at the cabin this past weekend in WI, the mornings were crisp and cool and there was a distinct smell in the air that can only be fall. The past two mornings, we've woken up in our upstairs bedroom with the window wide open and cool air coming in. This is, I'm sure, only exciting to us, as we are sick of the a/c on every night. This is one of the few beefs I have with our house. Our bedroom is the 1/2 story upstairs...cute, charming, and hotter than hell. It's like living in a tent- nothing between the us and the great outdoors but a little tarp. Freezing in the winter, hot in the summer. The central air doesn't even cool down that room, so we have this ancient hog of an air conditioner that came with the house and blasts us with cool air every night of the summer. We are thankful for that beast, but even more thankful when it can be silenced.
So, back to my original point, which is that fall is in the air. Even if you can't smell it, you can sense it in the crazed children at the store, intent on driving their moms to a breaking point of "I can't wait till you kids go back to school!" You can see fall's approach in the mums for sale at the garden centers, in the back-to-school ads, in the piles of pencils for sale at Target. Secretly, I miss that anticipation of school, of soccer practices, cross-country meets, new fall wardrobes, shopping for those new pens and notebooks, wondering what exciting things this new school year will hold.
I have to go water plants now. A subtle hint that it is, in fact, still summer.

Wishful Thinking

I am sorting through boxes full of my childhood memories, books, awards, etc

I came across this "family tree" that I did in pre-school or kindergarten (based on my handwriting).
I couldn't stop laughing. My "branches" resemble popsicle sticks, not a growing tree. As if that wasn't enough to earn myself an "F" on this project, perhaps the fact that I completely left my sisters off the family tree (as well as every other family member we've ever had, other than mom, dad, and myself) would have been the last push for the big "F".

10.5

I just picked 10.5 pints of raspberries at my parents' house.
Lovely, buggy, scratchy, prickly, tasty.
And free.
I love summer so much I can taste it!

Wounded

I once fell while out for a run. It was 8 yrs ago, when LSJF and I lived on Grand and Summit. It was a gorgeous late spring/early summer day and I was running on the sidewalk, up a hill. There was a stoplight ahead and I was watching the light to see if I could make the green. That was my mistake- not watching where I was going and before I knew it, I was flat on my face, wondering how I got there and how many in their cars had just seen it. I sat there, wondering how something so great could go so wrong. I then saw where the sidewalk had heaved- something that I never saw coming as I ran blissfully. I still have the scars from that fall. The wounds on my knees were so deep that I could see the white tissue that I could only assume were ligaments and tendons. It took a long time for the scabs to form and several times throughout that summer, I accidentally hit my knees on something and the wounds would open up and start to bleed all over again. I think it was October before I could safely say that my knees were healed. It took my body a long time to release itself from the memory of that fall and when I look at the scars on my knees, I know that the fall will always be a part of me.
It's been 365 days today. A whole year since the recent fall, this time from the bliss of a first pregnancy, during which I never looked down to see if the sidewalk was smooth and safe. When there's so much to look around and marvel at, who wants to look down and always be careful and wary? Who wants to believe that they might fall? All we could do was marvel that we had gotten pregnant in the first place and the memory of hearing that heartbeat was so fresh in our minds. The ultrasound was just to make sure things were ok and to check dates. It was like watching that green light while running, trying to make it through so as to not interrupt the run. How were we to know about the heave in the sidewalk?
I tried to find the ultrasound photos today, something I haven't seen in many months and I panicked when I couldn't find them. That last remaining physical piece of evidence that he existed was carefully tucked away, so well that I couldn't find it. If this was lost, would it mean he hadn't existed? To my relief, I opened a folder and there they were. Teeny little head, butt, arms. Heart, but no heartbeat. Yikes, I think I hit that wound and opened it up again. The scars have started to form, but the scabs are still there too, still fragile, though thankfully smaller than they used to be.
Unlike the scars that formed on my knees, the scars that form on my heart take longer to fill in. I am reminded of the 101 times that this wound has been accidentally bumped and opened fresh to bleed again. Finding out that yet another friend is pregnant, a due date that went by without a baby for us, rejoicing over yet another friend's child and being reminded that they have what my heart desires, accidentally finding the ultrasound photos when sorting through old mail, driving past the hospital where we would have delivered but instead went to have a d& c- all of these bump that wound just hard enough to make it hurt and bleed. And make me cry. When I was young, I used to pride myself on not crying, to count how long it had been since I last cried- days, weeks, months. Now I find comfort in it. I have days when I stare at the wounds and wonder why they aren't healed up yet. I have had moments of "Woman, get over it!", as I imagine that it's what others might say to me or think about me or what I would maybe think about them if they were in my position. I have had friends say "I forgot that it would bother you" when they are all talking of someone else's pregnancy- a reminder that this is my fall, my wound, not theirs.
I know that at some point, this memory, this experience, this little boy will no longer hurt, but instead be a scar. The wonderful and ugly part about scars is that they are still visible- they never really go away. The beautiful part is that I know that a scar means healing, the ugly part means that something painful happened to create that scar. But just as I look down at my knees and see that the scars have just become a part of who I am, I know that at some point, I will see the newer scars as yet just another part of me.

NYC Review

Yikes- it's been weeks since I last posted!
Well, we were in NYC with my sister and her husband for 3 days last week. Thought maybe I'd do a grading system of the various things we did. We walked and walked and walked...saw just about everything in Manhattan in 72 hrs, though we skipped most of the tours, as I didn't want to pay $20 just to go to the top of buildings, etc. I'm cheap.

• Lombardi's- A+ The first pizzeria in America, started in 1905. Amazing tomato sauce and they use fresh mozz. Amen to that. Note: the bathroom is so small that you can't sit straight on the toilet- your knees hit the wall, which is about 3 inches in front of you (and let's think about how short my legs are!). So you get to pee turned sideways.
• Murray Hill East Hotel- A- Great location, clean, A/C works, kitchen in unit, giant closets. Only gets the A- because of the old decor from the early 80s.
• Dunkin Donuts- A Always a treat.
• The UN Building- B+ Great photojournalism displays, lots of folks from various countries, too much money for a tour.
• Feeding Piegons in Battery Park- C+ Pigeons gross me out anyway (flying rats) and then came the GIANT wild turkey out of nowhere to eat the bits of bread that we were throwing around. Why was there a wild turkey in NYC?
• Statue of Liberty- C+ Cool to see it from across the water, but the line to hop on the ferry was probably 2 hrs long and it probably cost a fortune. Ugh. So we just observed from a distance.
• Church right next to Ground Zero- A The church was built in 1766, was George Washington's church when he lived in NYC after he became President. Didn't sustain any damage when the towers fell, despite the other nearby buildings that were damaged in the explosions. Was the center of meals and sleep spaces for those cleaning/sorting through the rubble for months after 9/11- way to be the church and reach out to the practical needs of those nearby!
• MacMillian's Irish Pub- D- The only thing that saved this place from getting an F was the view of Lower Manhattan from the 3rd floor balcony where our table was. Other than that, there were no redeeming factors. The LOUDEST heavy metal music you could imagine (where is the Irish music at a pub?? Or even some U2??), virtually nothing on the menu was Irish, $6 for a bottle of cider, poor service, food that had no flavor, wilted lettuce, and the fish & chips that the guys had was suspisciously like Van De Kamps'.
• Waterfall Cafe and Bar- C Slow service, the waiter informed us that they don't have cream for coffee(?!?!?!), milk is NOT an acceptable replacement for cream, overpriced. Again, the redeeming factor was the view of the Brooklyn bridge at sunset.
• Subway system- A I am green with envy that we don't have something similar here in MN. Love the a/c on the subway, love how easy it is to get from point A to point B, love the all-day pass, love that people can live in NYC without a car, love that people were nice enough to help us if we weren't sure which stop to use.
• Central Park- A Met up with some pretty entertaining characters along the way in Central Park. But there are so many miles of paths and beautiful places, what's not to love?
• Standby Tickets to Conan O'Brien- C+ We did get tickets the 2nd day we stood in line for them, but when we went back later that day, they only took those with ticket #s 1-30. We were 36-39. BUMMER. The part that made us mad was the racket that the tour buses had- they brought in huge groups of people with advance tickets. The guys were upset with the idea that people pay a tour company for a tour and then the tour company gets ahold of large #s of free tickets- so essentially, people are paying for these tickets, when they should be free. If the tour companies hadn't gotten so many advance tickets and if they hadn't brought all of the loads of people in, we could have gotten in.
• Dean and Deluca- A They get an A just for the a/c factor on a HOT day. And the iced chai was smashing. Oh, and the carrot cake muffin might have been the best bit of cakey goodness I've ever tried.
• The TODAY show- A+ Just around the corner from the NBC studios where we waited for tickets for Conan. Both days we went to the TODAY show and stood outside, where they do their outside segments. Got to see Ann Curry and Matt Lauer right up close and we were in the background of some of the filming. Fun!
• Times Square- C+ Too many people, too many things to look at, stinky, dirty. Close to Broadway, which is cool.
• "Grease" on Broadway- A+ Our friend, Laura, is currently playing the part of Sandy on Broadway. She was fabulous. Amazing voice and talent for being 21 or 22. Going backstage with Laura and her hubby, Nate (friend of ours as well), was the icing on the cake. Saw Taylor Hicks up close backstage- kinda looks like George Clooney.
• Hanging out at Nate and Laura's apartment (31st floor with incredible views of the city) after Grease- A+ Great to hang out with them again.
• NYC in July- B+ Perhaps hotter and more humid than I would have liked, the heat makes the city SMELL like a third world country and the urine smell in corners becomes that much more apparent. But overall, no rain and heck, it's summer- you can eat outside!!

And that sums it up. I know that I missed a few places we went and a few of our activities, but I didn't want this to be the longest blog entry I've ever put in.

Resigned to Consign?

I am obsessed with consignment stores lately. A little more trendy and put together than thrift stores, no dirty spots or stained pits on the clothes. And let's face it, I look for name brands at the thrift store, where they have gotten really good at marking jeans up to $15, so why not go to the consignment store, where it's name brand AND in really good shape? And the beauty is, they always have items that are 50-75% off- so it's cheaper than the thrift store at that point. Amazing.
It's recycling at it's finest. I would say that it's very "green", but I can't stand that little buzz-word right now- it's so over-used.

Goodness gracious!

Goodness:
–noun
1.the state or quality of being good.
2.moral excellence; virtue.
3.kindly feeling; kindness; generosity.
4.excellence of quality: goodness of workmanship.
5.the best part of anything; essence; strength.
6.a euphemism for God: Thank goodness! –interjection
7.(used in expressions of surprise, alarm, etc.): Goodness, you gave me a start! Goodness gracious!

I've been pondering the word "goodness" lately and trying to figure out what that means in relation to God. When we say "God is good" or talk about God's goodness, what does that mean? What I've started to realize is that the culture around us will always influence our view of God- therefore, when I think of God's goodness or when He is good to me, I associate that with Him giving me what I have asked for or something that I need but haven't even asked for yet. So, since I am American and we associate gifts and good things with material wealth, I assume that's what God's goodness is. In conversations I've had with some wise people in my life, we've talked about feeling "entitled" to things- again, this comes out of our culture. If we work hard, we are entitled to vacation time, to a paycheck, to retirement. If I study hard, I am entitled to scholarships, good grades, a good job. When those things don't happen, we get enraged and say that we deserved it, that it's our right. I think I often treat God like the American system- if I have served Him, if I have done what He's asked, if I ask Him enough times for something, then I am entitled to what I am asking for and He, in His goodness, should grant it to me. When the things I am asking for don't arrive as such, I become angry with Him and tell Him that I deserve these things and I proceed to remind Him of the things I have done for Him. It sounds so child-ish written down like this- yikes.
Now when I come across verses that talk about God being good to those who serve Him, to those who seek Him, etc, I don't know how to disassociate "good" from "material or gifts". Some of my favorite verses are in Lamentations 3- I was reading verse 25 that says "the Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him". I love that verse, but the problem I have is that I use that verse to maintain hope when I really want something. Maybe it really does mean that He's good and therefore, He'll grant me my wishes. But that kind of makes him out to be a genie in a bottle in my mind. I'm trying to figure out what it means to say that God is good to us, despite the crap that is going on in my life or in the world. I need to know what it means to talk about God's goodness and be able to separate that from the things that I am so desperately asking for. This isn't to say that His goodness couldn't be displayed in giving us what we're asking for- I just want to know how to continue to say that He is good during those times when those things aren't being given and to be able to define some of the other ways in which He is good to me.

What does that even mean?

I was driving from my parents' house this morning and saw this bumper sticker:
"God will bless America when America turns back to God"
Really?!?
Let's break this one down...
So this person is assuming that God isn't blessing America currently. We are the richest nation in the world, we are the richest generation that has EVER LIVED right now, we spend and spend and spend and use more of the world's resources per capita than any other nation, we retire at the age of 60 and spend 20-30 years of our lives just playing and traveling. And this isn't blessed?!? I mean, we have so much land and grow so much food that, instead of sharing with those nations who are starving, we use food to fuel our cars now. Blessed. We are highly educated, live in houses with rooms dedicated to crafts or to computers, have access to health care that costs way more than we could ever afford (but we are blessed with insurance), can go anywhere in the world and people will make way for us because we're Americans. Again, how are we not blessed? Perhaps someone sees us as not being blessed because of 9/11 or the war or because of the bizarre and violent weather that we see more of or because of the detioration of the family structure. But I guess all of that begs the question, what does it mean to be blessed?
And let's move on to the "when America turns back to God." In the words of Greg Boyd, at what point in history was American ever fully on board WITH God? I mean, it's a country built on religious freedom, but that was never totally defined by Christianity alone. And in what point in history were we totally for God? Was that before or after we slaughtered thousands of Native Americans, took their land, moved them onto reservations and cheated them out of land time after time after time? Or was it before or after we ripped apart their families and tribes and took their children away to put them in Catholic schools, in order to strip them of their cultural heritage and their native religious beliefs? (Talk about religious freedom there). Was it before or after we took hundreds of thousands of Africans, sold them, and then made them work as slaves in our fields? Was it before or after we doomed blacks in America to poverty by denying them the same rights as whites, by treating them as a lesser class and a lesser people? (So much for liberty.) Was it before or after we allowed the rich to get richer in America and the poor to simply stay as such by keeping higher education just out of their price range and forcing them to work for minimum wage that keeps them below the poverty line at all times? I truly don't believe the nation has turned away from God. True, there may be less and less people going to church and claiming a belief in God, but that's the fault of the church, culture, people who do awful things in the name of Gpd/Christianity- not the fault of the gov't.
If this person was implying on their bumper sticker that it's the gov't's fault that America hasn't "turned back to God", then they are pointing fingers at the wrong entity. It's up to the people (of America) to be fully devoted to God, not the gov't of America to be fully devoted to God.
I really think that it's unreasonable to assume that because we have a large number of Christians in America and because we have religious freedom, it means that the entire gov't ought to be making decisions about our country based on Christian principles. For those of us who are Christians, I think that our faith will always shape the way we make decisions and how we view others, but it's unreasonable to assume that those who don't share our religious views will make laws, decisions, etc based on Christian moral virtues that they don't even claim as their own. If there are laws that are passed that don't uphold the beliefs of Christians, it's understandable- the gov't is a political system, not a church. I'm not saying that I always agree with laws that are passed- but what I believe is that my faith as a Christian needs to supercede what the gov't is choosing to do. All over the world, for thousands of years, gov'ts have passed laws that have offended Christians or have persecuted Christians, yet it doesn't stop people from being blessed nor does it stop people from knowing God's love. God's love cannot be contained within a political system and whatever laws we pass or freedoms we try to protect cannot possibly "win" people over for Him- He's already triumphed over all things through the resurrection of Christ and He doesn't need our political system to show His strength or power.
How's that for a light Sunday afternoon conversation piece?

Classic.

At the grocery store in Wichita. The young guy working in the produce section offers my mom and I some samples of strawberries. We comment on the price and how they're cheaper in KS.
The guy: "So, you're not from around here?"
Me: "No, we're from Minneapolis"
Then I add: "Minnesota"
The guy: "Is that all the way down in Texas?"
Yes.
Exactly.

Right on target?

Sitting in the passenger seat of the car, driving through Derby, KS with GCNP (my husband), my sister, and her husband.
Me: "Wow, you know Derby has really moved up from small town to suburb when Target is here now"
10 seconds later, the two cars pull over on the side of the road and I hop out, wondering why we're stopping.
My parents get out of their car.
My mom: "Do you recognize that corner?"
Me (dumbly): "Nope, never seen Target here before"
Mom: "That's the family homestead."
Amazing. Target is on the homestead. This is the future, apparently.
And I wonder, how long before the new home developments and Target stores that sit on the homestead land move a mile down the road and encroach on the farm house land?
It's all progressing along, right on target, I guess. The suburbanization of American.

More on the farm

My grandparents in KS died 20 years ago. It's a long time ago, yet it's something I've never completely gotten over. They had this incredible farm in the small town of Derby, KS, just outside of Wichita. I LOVED going there as a kid- we got to have our free run of the place (and there were hundreds of things to explore that I'd never get to see growing up in the 'burbs!), helped out with chores, ran around the hundred-year old house, rode the tractors and 3-wheeler to the pasture with Grandpa, went rabbit-hunting with my dad and Grandpa, etc It was like heaven to us kids. One of my favorite times of being there was during wheat harvest, when the combines would fill the wheat trucks up with grain and before my dad or uncles took the trucks in to the co-op to drop off the wheat, they'd let us crawl around in the piles of grain. Sounds weird, considering people consume that grain that we'd just crawled through. It was such a funny tactile experience- the feeling of grain surrounding your legs and torso and letting it run through your fingers. And there were always curious bugs crawling through the grain- things I'd never seen in the 'burbs. When my grandparents died suddenly within months of each other, my mom and her siblings made the tough decision to auction off the farm and land. It was extremely hard on the family, and a piece of our heritage that no one really wanted to let go of, considering that a large part of the family still wanted to go visit the old farm 2 weeks ago. I know that I'm not alone in these sentiments of the farm.

One of the pieces of land that my mom and her sisters kept for years (and finally had to sell off- long story) was 80 acres of homestead land. I guess this land was given to my great-great-grandfather by the gov't after he fought in the Civil War- the deed for the land still exists somewhere in our family. So this piece of land had been in the family and farmed since the 1870s. When I think about the hours of labor that went into making that land workable, making a living off of it, that our family was essentially built on the farming way of life, it makes me proud. It also makes me wish that I had been old enough to buy the farm at the time of the auction or that I could get it back now and turn it back into something that all of my mom's family could enjoy again.

The Waiting...

Is the hardest part! Finally got to be in the garden today after a rainy stint last week. The hail while we were gone shredded (!!!!) my hostas and other wee plants. But other things are looking well. I think that the hardest part of gardening is waiting to see if the plants that you started last year or two years ago or 4 weeks ago are going to turn into anything. It's hard for me to accept that I have to wait 1-2 years to see if my perennials really took and are going to bloom.
But seeing things like last year's Climatis at 3 feet already this year and huge buds on it...that is exciting! And makes the wait worthwhile. And the peonies are about to bloom. Ah the glory. Who knew I could be so excited about gardening?
Will get back to The Farm thoughts another day...have to go to work now.

Nostalgia

I saw the farm and it won't leave me alone. I spent the 10 hour drive home trying to run away from it and yet it keeps finding me. I keep trying to reason with it and say that I am a city girl, raised in the 'burbs and now live in an urban refuge. I know nothing about farming, only the tidbits I picked up as a kid. But it keeps reminding me of what it was and the state that it's in now.
I think I am a prisoner to nostalgia.
I decided that I need a place to throw out these thoughts and many of the others that go through my head as I am running, gardening, traveling. Maybe I need affirmation, maybe I need someone to disagree with me, maybe I just need to see it written down in order to decide if my musings are completely absurd.