Clarify

I am looking back at my previous post at a later, calmer, saner time of day and think I should expound a bit. I think so much of my frustration with parenting is feeling that everything is my fault, for better or for worse. If she does something well, then we must have done a good job. If she is behind on her motor skills or has bad behavior or is a picky eater, then we (well, mostly ME!) must have done something horribly wrong. It all feeds into my insecurities that I am going to screw up my child, that she'll end up in therapy talking about all of the ways that I caused her to be a mess, and that I am just not cut out for this parenting thing. I end up second guessing decisions or looking back to wonder if we introduced foods at all the wrong time, in all of the wrong order, if we pushed them too much or not enough, and on and on. Wondering if her cautiousness and reluctance to walk independently is because she feels insecure because of something we did or something we forgot to do for her. It's enough to make a person crazy. To make a person feel inadequate. Hence, the "crazy lady" talk in the previous post.

And I have to wonder if this is just a modern day issue. I have a hard time imagining my grandmother, the farmer's wife, worrying like this. Instead, I'm sure she just did the best she could and assumed that her kids would learn to do all things in good time. But we are surrounded by books and blogs and talk shows and therapists and facebook status updates, all there to inform us of the things that others' kids are doing and a glaring reminder to me of the ways in which my child is different. And yet, there are times when I come across an article or talk to another mom who can completely normalize the situation for me, because their child did the exact same thing as mine is doing.

I know that these posts must make it sound like I don't enjoy my child or that parenting makes me cry 24/7, but it's more so in the quiet moments when she's napping that I can let it all soak in and the reality of my struggles tend to come out then. And I quickly need to vent it to my mom or sisters or blog about it, so that by the time Laila is awake again, I can put this stuff aside and be there for her.

Truly, we have so much fun with her and marvel at the things she has learned to do.

• Her list of words include Hi, Hot, High-Chair, Ham (sort of), Daddy (sometimes), and Yuck. Apparently H words are popular with her.
• She is obsessed with pushing her giraffe riding toy around (she hates to ride it, but loves to push it by the handles and cruises all over the house, practically running with the thing). Tonight she lifted it up completely by the handles and just stood there, holding it up. Apparently she has more balance than she realizes.
• She loves to dance and is surprisingly tuned in to whenever music is on. It can be pretty faint and she'll still pick up on it and do a little shake to the tune.

Note her beloved giraffe in the background. :)

Pity Party

I just need 5 minutes to have a giant pity party for myself and then, get back to doing life. I want someone to whine with me, to feel sorry for me, to be as weepy as I am about parenting and my child not being what I thought they were going to be. Honestly, I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall most of the time. I truly don't know what to do with a kid who refuses to walk, is a picky eater, who screams when we take her to Babes at church, who hangs onto my leg constantly when I'm in the kitchen. I just have moments in which I want to ask her (and have her reply!), "What kid doesn't like Cheerios or any other kind of breakfast food, for that matter?!??!?!" "What kid doesn't want the independence of walking around and exploring all on their own?" "What is wrong with the foods that I make for you!??!?!"

Of course, I can't say this to her, as I don't want to shame her for being the way that she is and I am trying SO hard to just be understanding of the phases that she's in and who she is as a 16 month old. I am trying to just love her as she is and encourage her and accept her. But DANG, this is hard, day in and day out.

OK, I'm done. I said what I need to.