10.5

I just picked 10.5 pints of raspberries at my parents' house.
Lovely, buggy, scratchy, prickly, tasty.
And free.
I love summer so much I can taste it!

Wounded

I once fell while out for a run. It was 8 yrs ago, when LSJF and I lived on Grand and Summit. It was a gorgeous late spring/early summer day and I was running on the sidewalk, up a hill. There was a stoplight ahead and I was watching the light to see if I could make the green. That was my mistake- not watching where I was going and before I knew it, I was flat on my face, wondering how I got there and how many in their cars had just seen it. I sat there, wondering how something so great could go so wrong. I then saw where the sidewalk had heaved- something that I never saw coming as I ran blissfully. I still have the scars from that fall. The wounds on my knees were so deep that I could see the white tissue that I could only assume were ligaments and tendons. It took a long time for the scabs to form and several times throughout that summer, I accidentally hit my knees on something and the wounds would open up and start to bleed all over again. I think it was October before I could safely say that my knees were healed. It took my body a long time to release itself from the memory of that fall and when I look at the scars on my knees, I know that the fall will always be a part of me.
It's been 365 days today. A whole year since the recent fall, this time from the bliss of a first pregnancy, during which I never looked down to see if the sidewalk was smooth and safe. When there's so much to look around and marvel at, who wants to look down and always be careful and wary? Who wants to believe that they might fall? All we could do was marvel that we had gotten pregnant in the first place and the memory of hearing that heartbeat was so fresh in our minds. The ultrasound was just to make sure things were ok and to check dates. It was like watching that green light while running, trying to make it through so as to not interrupt the run. How were we to know about the heave in the sidewalk?
I tried to find the ultrasound photos today, something I haven't seen in many months and I panicked when I couldn't find them. That last remaining physical piece of evidence that he existed was carefully tucked away, so well that I couldn't find it. If this was lost, would it mean he hadn't existed? To my relief, I opened a folder and there they were. Teeny little head, butt, arms. Heart, but no heartbeat. Yikes, I think I hit that wound and opened it up again. The scars have started to form, but the scabs are still there too, still fragile, though thankfully smaller than they used to be.
Unlike the scars that formed on my knees, the scars that form on my heart take longer to fill in. I am reminded of the 101 times that this wound has been accidentally bumped and opened fresh to bleed again. Finding out that yet another friend is pregnant, a due date that went by without a baby for us, rejoicing over yet another friend's child and being reminded that they have what my heart desires, accidentally finding the ultrasound photos when sorting through old mail, driving past the hospital where we would have delivered but instead went to have a d& c- all of these bump that wound just hard enough to make it hurt and bleed. And make me cry. When I was young, I used to pride myself on not crying, to count how long it had been since I last cried- days, weeks, months. Now I find comfort in it. I have days when I stare at the wounds and wonder why they aren't healed up yet. I have had moments of "Woman, get over it!", as I imagine that it's what others might say to me or think about me or what I would maybe think about them if they were in my position. I have had friends say "I forgot that it would bother you" when they are all talking of someone else's pregnancy- a reminder that this is my fall, my wound, not theirs.
I know that at some point, this memory, this experience, this little boy will no longer hurt, but instead be a scar. The wonderful and ugly part about scars is that they are still visible- they never really go away. The beautiful part is that I know that a scar means healing, the ugly part means that something painful happened to create that scar. But just as I look down at my knees and see that the scars have just become a part of who I am, I know that at some point, I will see the newer scars as yet just another part of me.

NYC Review

Yikes- it's been weeks since I last posted!
Well, we were in NYC with my sister and her husband for 3 days last week. Thought maybe I'd do a grading system of the various things we did. We walked and walked and walked...saw just about everything in Manhattan in 72 hrs, though we skipped most of the tours, as I didn't want to pay $20 just to go to the top of buildings, etc. I'm cheap.

• Lombardi's- A+ The first pizzeria in America, started in 1905. Amazing tomato sauce and they use fresh mozz. Amen to that. Note: the bathroom is so small that you can't sit straight on the toilet- your knees hit the wall, which is about 3 inches in front of you (and let's think about how short my legs are!). So you get to pee turned sideways.
• Murray Hill East Hotel- A- Great location, clean, A/C works, kitchen in unit, giant closets. Only gets the A- because of the old decor from the early 80s.
• Dunkin Donuts- A Always a treat.
• The UN Building- B+ Great photojournalism displays, lots of folks from various countries, too much money for a tour.
• Feeding Piegons in Battery Park- C+ Pigeons gross me out anyway (flying rats) and then came the GIANT wild turkey out of nowhere to eat the bits of bread that we were throwing around. Why was there a wild turkey in NYC?
• Statue of Liberty- C+ Cool to see it from across the water, but the line to hop on the ferry was probably 2 hrs long and it probably cost a fortune. Ugh. So we just observed from a distance.
• Church right next to Ground Zero- A The church was built in 1766, was George Washington's church when he lived in NYC after he became President. Didn't sustain any damage when the towers fell, despite the other nearby buildings that were damaged in the explosions. Was the center of meals and sleep spaces for those cleaning/sorting through the rubble for months after 9/11- way to be the church and reach out to the practical needs of those nearby!
• MacMillian's Irish Pub- D- The only thing that saved this place from getting an F was the view of Lower Manhattan from the 3rd floor balcony where our table was. Other than that, there were no redeeming factors. The LOUDEST heavy metal music you could imagine (where is the Irish music at a pub?? Or even some U2??), virtually nothing on the menu was Irish, $6 for a bottle of cider, poor service, food that had no flavor, wilted lettuce, and the fish & chips that the guys had was suspisciously like Van De Kamps'.
• Waterfall Cafe and Bar- C Slow service, the waiter informed us that they don't have cream for coffee(?!?!?!), milk is NOT an acceptable replacement for cream, overpriced. Again, the redeeming factor was the view of the Brooklyn bridge at sunset.
• Subway system- A I am green with envy that we don't have something similar here in MN. Love the a/c on the subway, love how easy it is to get from point A to point B, love the all-day pass, love that people can live in NYC without a car, love that people were nice enough to help us if we weren't sure which stop to use.
• Central Park- A Met up with some pretty entertaining characters along the way in Central Park. But there are so many miles of paths and beautiful places, what's not to love?
• Standby Tickets to Conan O'Brien- C+ We did get tickets the 2nd day we stood in line for them, but when we went back later that day, they only took those with ticket #s 1-30. We were 36-39. BUMMER. The part that made us mad was the racket that the tour buses had- they brought in huge groups of people with advance tickets. The guys were upset with the idea that people pay a tour company for a tour and then the tour company gets ahold of large #s of free tickets- so essentially, people are paying for these tickets, when they should be free. If the tour companies hadn't gotten so many advance tickets and if they hadn't brought all of the loads of people in, we could have gotten in.
• Dean and Deluca- A They get an A just for the a/c factor on a HOT day. And the iced chai was smashing. Oh, and the carrot cake muffin might have been the best bit of cakey goodness I've ever tried.
• The TODAY show- A+ Just around the corner from the NBC studios where we waited for tickets for Conan. Both days we went to the TODAY show and stood outside, where they do their outside segments. Got to see Ann Curry and Matt Lauer right up close and we were in the background of some of the filming. Fun!
• Times Square- C+ Too many people, too many things to look at, stinky, dirty. Close to Broadway, which is cool.
• "Grease" on Broadway- A+ Our friend, Laura, is currently playing the part of Sandy on Broadway. She was fabulous. Amazing voice and talent for being 21 or 22. Going backstage with Laura and her hubby, Nate (friend of ours as well), was the icing on the cake. Saw Taylor Hicks up close backstage- kinda looks like George Clooney.
• Hanging out at Nate and Laura's apartment (31st floor with incredible views of the city) after Grease- A+ Great to hang out with them again.
• NYC in July- B+ Perhaps hotter and more humid than I would have liked, the heat makes the city SMELL like a third world country and the urine smell in corners becomes that much more apparent. But overall, no rain and heck, it's summer- you can eat outside!!

And that sums it up. I know that I missed a few places we went and a few of our activities, but I didn't want this to be the longest blog entry I've ever put in.