Smitten Kitten

Little Kitten for Halloween (too bad you can't see the tail in this photo)

This is how she wakes up the in morning. I am obsessed!!

Where does the time go? 4 months next week. How is our little Peanut so old already? And doing so many "big girl" things- reaches for things when we're holding her and something in our other hand, holding her head up, loves to stand on our laps, laughs, and last night, when I went in at midnight to feed her, I discovered that she was wide awake and on her back.... But she sleeps on her tummy, so somehow, she rolled over. Smart little cookie.

Yesterday she woke up from her afternoon nap quite cranky and so I sat down in the rocking chair to feed her. She ate and then dozed off at the end of the feeding. While I usually try to encourage naps in her crib, I decided to take advantage of this moment of bonding and just hold her for awhile. I couldn't help but marvel at her and realize how incredibly smitten I am with this little girl. I LOVE having a little girl and I am now realizing that I love being a mom! It was one heck of a rocky start, beginning with the 2.5 hours of insane labor and the fast delivery, all of which happened in a blur and seemed to leave me unprepared to be thrust into the realm of motherhood. I spent those first few months in a fog, as she wasn't a great sleeper, I was so anxious that I could barely sleep myself, I couldn't nap, I couldn't eat at times, I found myself getting angry about things that shouldn't have set me off, and I spent a lot of time wondering what I had gotten myself into. All of the things that I have used to define myself, such as my job, my friendships, my ability to stay on top of things and be organized, my freedom to keep a busy schedule and be out with my husband, all of those things were gone. And now, between working hard at getting her to sleep (thank you "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child") which has made her into a completely new baby, letting her sleep on her tummy, low dose anti-depressants for me, sleep for myself (well, still getting up 2-3 times a night, but it's do-able), and seeing her little personality come alive post-newborn phase, it's been an amazing month! I can honestly say that I look forward to spending her waking hours with her, I love going into her room in the morning (even if it is at 7 am) and seeing her hold her head up and peek around the room and grin as soon as she sees me, and I miss her dearly when I am at work (but am grateful for the little breaks and the adult conversation and the income!).

Freedom!!

Twofold freedom that we can celebrate:

1) Peanut is out of her Pavlik harness (for hip dysplasia aka hip dislocation)!! X-rays and exam all looked good this morning. I almost cried seeing her bare back again and her long legs in their entirety (not all pulled up into a frog position). She was NOT happy about the feeling of extending her legs, though. I suppose after 12 weeks of frog position, those muscles aren't really ready to be stretched. It'll take a few days and I'm sure she'll be kicking and loving it. Me- I will be bathing her non-stop and loving it. 12 weeks of sponge baths SUCKED- especially as she got so large- but she was such a good sport about it. Usually just smiled through it. Follow-up is in 9 months. Hallelujah!

2) Freedom from the pacifier at night and with naps since last Wed. She has slept SO soundly and now goes to bed around 8 pm and wakes around 8 am, waking just twice to feed. She occasionally fusses when we put her down in bed, but settles in after a couple of minutes. She's also on her tummy now (which I cringe at, since I teach parents all day at work to NOT do that), but it has made a huge difference as well. And she can find her hands when she sleeps on her tummy and she sucks on those to put herself back to sleep. I finally feel like my nerves are settling down (instead of waiting on pins and needles for every little sound that indicated that she was going to wake up YET AGAIN for the pacifier- usually 5-10 times a night) and I am able to sleep better. She's less crabby, I'm less crabby, Snugs is less crabby. We are a happy clan! In this process of trying to figure out sleep, I read some great books that I wish I would have read before she was born: No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, and Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. While every author had their different opinions on how to approach sleep issues, they all went through sleep cycles, how much sleep babies need, over-tiredness and how to catch babies before that point, and they all emphasized putting little babies down when they are drowsy but not asleep, so that they learn to fall asleep on their own (preferably without a nipple or pacifier in mouth at this time, too). I felt like a sponge soaking up all of that info. I couldn't stop referencing those books, but ultimately, it took a visit to our fantastic pediatrician to help me decide how to address her sleep issue. I was at melt-down point last week, so I took Peanut in to the clinic, which was the best decision I made. Our dr. asked so many questions about her sleep habits, how much sleep, naps, what things we've done to try to improve sleep, etc. It was so comprehensive and in the end, she said that it sounds like we've tried everything and it might be best to take away the pacifier for sleep and let her cry it out. She said she's not a big fan of "cry it out" and the books that militantly promote that, but she said it might work. And you know what?? She was right! The amazing thing is that Peanut does cry a little, but there has never been a long screaming episode in which I'm melting down and so is she. I think she's young enough still that she learned quickly to sleep without it. And now Snugs and I know better for next time around: no pacifier with sleep. And we will offer that up to everyone we know as our one piece of parent advice.

And we're done...

Well, the no-pacifier plan for nighttime is over. As are the l-o-n-g stretches of sleep that she gave us for 3 nights. It was a bad night with not enough sleep for anyone. So, we are back to the pacifier and we are loaded up with new books on sleep. The one I am devouring at the moment is 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution" By Elizabeth Pantley. Thus far, am loving it. She has methods of getting babies and older kids to sleep without going to either the "cry it out" or the "just live with it" camps. So we are going to read this book from cover to cover and starting tomorrow, we will start logging Peanut's naps and night-time sleep (and wakings!). From there, we'll start working on new habits. Thankfully, this woman totally understands the baby or toddler who won't sleep without something in their mouth and frequently wake up when they realize that it's not there anymore. And much of her plan to get kids sleeping longer focuses on weaning them off of this in a loving, gentle way. Which is really all we can do with a 10 week old who is too young for crying it out and is dearly attached to her pacifier. So, stay tuned for the results of this woman's ideas- though she does state that it can take weeks to months. That's fine, as long as we see improvement from the current nighttime disaster!

On a side note, I was thinking about how depressing it can be to talk to other parents when they ask you how nights are going and you tell them the truth. Either they tell you their horror stories about how their 18 month old still doesn't sleep through the night or they give you glowing reports of how their baby slept through the night for 8 hours by the time they were 4 weeks old. FYI, peeps- neither of those makes an overwrought new mother feel any better!

Turkey-Lurkey

Nope, not a post about the holiday. Rather, a posting chronicling going "cold turkey" with no pacifier use at night. It's something that started to become an issue about 2 weeks ago, in which Peanut started to wake up frequently during the night, just for her pacifier. At first, it was fine. When it became 5 or 6 times a night, it was getting ridiculous. She couldn't keep herself asleep without it. We were debating getting rid of it altogether, but we decided to wait to read some books from the library. Well, seeing as how we're still waiting on those ordered books to be ready for pick-up at the library (really, how long can it take??? Especially when there are available copies that just need to be brought in from a different branch!), we had to take matters into our own hands. On Tues night, she was awake within 45 minutes of being put down for bed and fussing for her pacifier. Ugh. So, we stopped giving it to her. There was a lot of rocking, shushing (Thank you, Dr Karp "The Happiest Baby on the Block"), screaming on her part, etc But it finally worked and she fell asleep sans pacifier. And she stayed asleep for 4 hours, after which she woke up to eat and then went right back to sleep.

Night #2 Went to bed easily without the pacifier, as she had just bottled and drifted off to sleep while being burped. We laid her down and she slept for 4 hours. 1:30 am feeding- ate and then proceeded to scream until 2 because I tried to put her down without the pacifier. Again, lots of rocking, shushing, etc She did wake up once about 10 minutes later and we rocked her (well, the standing/jiggling/side-lying kind of rocking) and then put her down. She slept until 7:3o am. Like a rock.

Night #3 Fussed at bedtime (well, screamed is more like it for this feisty girl) for about 20 minutes, then went down and slept until 3:30 am. Wow. Went to bed easily after her feeding. Was awake at 6:15, which she hasn't done in a week or so. I didn't know what to do with her, so I fed her and brought her to bed with me and she slept until 8. Pacifier free.

I think the trade off here is that now I've become the pacifier, meaning that if she eats, she'll drift off to sleep. Or that she needs to be rocked to near-sleep, whereas before we could put her in bed somewhat awake, but with the pacifier, and she'd conk out. But she is sleeping soundly for long periods of time, which is a sigh of relief for all.

I will add two things to this. 1) I'm discovering how much I fear her temper at bedtime. She is such a pistol and her screams can get to me, to the point that I lose patience and start to worry about whether I can keep my calm with her. It's so hard to remember that I am the adult and that she is a little baby who can't control things. And that the ways in which we talk to her and treat her are already forming her emotions and brain. 2) The Pacifier is still in use during the day. We aren't brave enough to take it away altogether.

Survivor

It's amazing that you can survive on little sleep for 2 months. And that you wake up one day and realize that 2 months have flown by in a fog and now little Peanut is smiling, cooing, batting at toys, can find us in the room when she hears our voices, etc. At the same time, I think it's been the longest 2 months of my life, as the constant questioning, researching, fretting, and sheer exhaustion make the days so long sometimes. I never thought that I would stress so much about being a mom. Yes, I work with babies all day at work and am comfortable with them, but it's the 24/7 duty of sleep schedules, feedings, baby sleeping too much one week and not enough the next, wondering if I am doing all the right things, wondering if breastfeeding is really working for us, etc that have me bound into a bundle of anxiety. Somehow, the babe grows and thrives in the midst of my fretting.

And let's talk about the unexpected parts of motherhood...

• No one warned me that I would feel like a camel when breastfeeding. The constant need for water is unbelievable!
• Sleeping when you are already over-tired becomes a challenge- it's almost harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.
• Feeling ready for bed at 8:30 pm. What?!??! I am a night owl, I can thrive on not much sleep. When I work day shifts at get up at 5:30, I can usually go to bed at 11 and be just fine. I would never dream of going to bed before 10:30. And now, it's all I can do to stay awake long enough to have a decent conversation with Snugs.
• How hard it is to have a conversation with Snugs that doesn't revolve around baby-ness and parenthood. And when we do have moments when it's just the two of us, I can barely put a sentence or a reasonable thought together.
• Staring at your child at the end of the day, when you're both exhausted, and thinking "she might have to be our one and only". I always pictured myself as a mother of 4. Now if I can make it through 1, I'll be doing well. Which is ironic, considering we aren't using b.c.
• How excited I get to have some moments away from Peanut, in which I can run errands without the 20 lbs of car sear/child. And how excited I am to see her again when I get home.
• The love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. Some days it's wonderful, other days I feel like she is absolutely fighting me and I can't tell if she's gotten enough food, whether I ate the wrong things, whether she likes bottling better, etc. I've had more than my fair share of moments of wondering if I should just pump and bottle, but heck, that sounds like double duty. Plus it's so easy in the middle of the night to just feed her and not have to trudge around for bottles.
• How I dread hearing her wake up 45 minutes into her naps, which is this week's phenomenon (one that I am less than pleased about). And that's what just happened now, so I am off to coax her into more sleep...

Music Obsession

I go through phases with music and often it comes with changes of season or life changes.  I turned on some James Taylor for Peanut this morning, the October Road album.  Was listening to the words of "September Grass" and found myself getting nostalgic and dreamy about the approaching autumn.  Probably helps that it was a breezy, autumnal 51 degrees out this morning!

Monumental Month

Today is the last day of July.  It's been a big month for us, but then again, July has always been like that for us.  4 years ago yesterday, Snugs took me by utter and complete surprise and proposed at Lake Harriet (a significant place in our relationship).  And being the sweetheart that he is, he celebrated this date last night by bringing me a card & a bottle of wine (Hogue Riesling, which we had the night we got engaged).  Me, being the fogged-over new mom that I am, forgot what date it even was until later in the day & the thought never even crossed my mind to get him something.  Talk about feeling like a loser of a wife! 

Two years ago, our July was memorable, but not in a happy way.  We had our first midwife appt July 9 of that year, heard the baby's heartbeat, then found out on July 20 that the baby wasn't alive anymore.  A D & C followed on July 30 (not a good way to celebrate that anniversary!).  

And this year, on  July 17, after much waiting to get pregnant, waiting to hear that all was well at the appts, and then 8 days of over-due-ness, little Peanut arrived at 6 lbs 12 oz.  She is beauty and feistiness and wonder all in one little bundle.

What Now?

4 days overdue.  While I've known for months that a due date is a date to hold with an open hand and not a tightly clenched fist, it's still discouraging to pass that date up and realize that you're still as large as ever.  Today is the first day of maternity leave for me.  While I could probably try to pick up more shifts at work and push the start date back a little bit longer, part of me dreads going into work and hearing "What are you doing here?" and "You're still pregnant?".  As if those thoughts don't go through my own head often enough throughout the day.  

We have tried everything to get this baby out.  Everyone has their stories of what worked for them to induce labor and they all feel free to share them with me.  Other than resorting to castor oil, I do believe we have tried it all: spicy food, LONG walks, scrubbing floors, physical labor around the house, sex, having my membranes stripped/swept by the midwife, acupressure, resting, and the list goes on.  Today I'll try the chiropractor and see if that does anything (if nothing else, it will help my poor pelvis to get realigned, as it HURTS to have a baby sitting this low for this long).  The frustrating part for me is that I've had good contractions 3 or 4 times now, but nothing that sticks around longer than a few hours.  But they're the kind of contractions that you have to breathe through, that hurt like none other, but I always hesitate to call the midwife.  The nurse on the phone today informed me that the next time I get those going, I need to call and see about coming in during those contractions and maybe having my water broken to keep things chugging along.  My body is certainly ready for this baby to come out- 4+ cm dilated, effaced, baby is REALLY low.  Even the midwives have been surprised the 2 times that I've been in that I haven't pushed this little pot roast out yet!

From an emotional standpoint, I've been ok with having these extra days to get things done and to enjoy time with friends, family, and Snugs.  It's been incredible July weather- sunny, high 70s, no humidity.  We had the chance on Sat to nearly finish our fence (photos to come eventually) and do outdoorsy projects.  We went to the rodeo on Fri evening out in Hamel- it's amazing how you don't have to go too far from home to have a small town cultural experience!  I feel pretty good and energized, so it's easy for me to keep moving.  For all of these things, I am incredibly grateful.  But I am still a hormonal, overdue lady, so I did have several breakdowns yesterday, one of which was triggered on our walk.  I saw this couple walk past us with a tiny 1-2 week old baby in an orange BOB stroller just like ours and the sight of them pushing their baby at a brisk pace while I lumbered along was enough to induce tears.  I kept thinking that it should have been us pushing along a little tyke in the orange BOB. 

For now we wait.  And do a lot of laundry to pass the time.

Unplanned Bliss

Reflections between contractions (is this really it or is it a false alarm like several weeks ago?)...

Our plans to head to the family cabin last weekend were cut short by the midwife's news that being dilated to 2-3 and 90% effaced meant I should stay close by home.  I"ll admit that I was a little ticked off.  But as the weekend began with Snugs taking a half day off on Friday, we quickly realized that we had an entire 2.5 days with NOTHING planned.  That NEVER happens for us.  Our weekends consist of work at the hospital for me, gigs for him, church responsibilities, gatherings with friends and family , etc.  To rest and just 'be' on a weekend doesn't usually happen unless we leave town.

In retrospect, it was the best way to spend our (likely) last weekend together before becoming a family of 3.  Since I am working this holiday weekend that we're currently in, it was blissful to have an entire weekend with my honey...finally went to eat at Victor's 1959 Cafe for some tasty mango pancakes, worked on little projects around the house, went to a movie at the last minute with Lyndi and Aaron, sat outside and for once just enjoyed our deck (instead of working in the yard), ate ice cream pie in our new adirondack chairs out in the front yard (Snugs spent many hours working on those chairs- so fun to actually use them).  That, combined with the perfect summer evenings, made for some sweet memories that will forever live on as the best married weekend we've had yet and the last full weekend that was "ours" before starting life with kids.  

Oh well.

I burst out laughing when I saw that my last post was March 7. What can you do?
I am in a mad state of spring cleaning/purging. The anticipation of baby put us into motion...turning the office into baby's room, which then meant trying to find spaces throughout the house to move the office stuff, which then meant getting rid of other items to make room for the office items, which then turned into a housewide purge of stuff in anticipation of a garage sale in a few weeks. It's like an avalanche, all started by trying to transform one room. And it makes me wonder, how do we have so much stuff and why?? I must say, the icing on the cake is the glorious spring warmth and the need the be outside, clearing the leaves away from my gardens, discovering that underneath lie tulips, bleeding heart, coral bells, etc. And a writhing pile of tiny bunnies in my garden. Not a fan of that.
So with the purge of the spring and the awakening from winter comes the lack of writing. Oh well. I do what I can.

Finally!!

I was reading our neighborhood newspaper today and found out that Whole Foods is doing a recycling program with a community group and it's for #5 PP plastics. It's about time!! I have been saving up #5 plastics in my basement and in my "containers" drawer, in the hopes that someday, I'd find a way to recycle them. I can't stand throwing away those big yogurt and sour cream containers and while I find other uses for them (freezing chicken stock, using them in the garden with the bottoms cut off to protect new little plants, etc), they're getting to be too plentiful for me.
I wondered when someone in our recycle-happy city would come out with a program like this. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I was bemoaning this very fact to my family and friends while we were at the cabin. My thought is, if they can create these plastics, why can't they come up with a way to "uncreate" them or turn them into something else? The science, I argued, must be out there- it's just a matter of who is going to pay for it. I personally think the companies who create/use the plastic should be held responsible for the recycling or disposal of these items. But, that aside, at least someone is creating a program for this!! That should quiet me for awhile.

Near the Bitter End

The pickles are almost gone!! Only two left. My mom gave me this fantastic recipe a few years ago for pickles (not the canning kind- I'm not that talented!). She and my dad grow an excess of pickling cukes to feed her canning habit (and she's an award-winner!) and they pass the extras on to me. I make pickles and put them in a 5 qt ice cream bucket and they last throughout the next 10 months or so. Or at least they used to. Being the preggo lady has caused me to binge on pickles some days and now I'm at the bottom of the pail. Needless to say, I am ready for July and the cukes, so that I can make more!
The magic recipe (it hardly takes any time to make these).

Refrigerator Dills

Cut a large number of pickling cucumbers into spears, round, or leave small ones whole
1 tsp alum- place on bottom of bucket
1 lg onion, diced
4-6 garlic cloves
1 tsp mustard seed
4-6 dill heads

Place all of the above in the 5 qt ice cream bucket.
Heat:
1 1/2 qts water
1 pt white vinegar
1/4 c (large 1/4 c) canning salt
Pour over pickles while hot.
Let stand for 3 hrs.
Cover and refrigerate for at least one week.

This recipe will last all winter long and the flavor gets better as they sit longer. I know that my friend Mimi added some other flavors to this recipe- I want to say jalapenos or extra garlic- to add some extra zing.

Three Years and a Final Frontier

It's been 3 years today since we closed on our house. I remember being in TOTAL panic mode, wondering how in the world we were ever going to make mortgage payments. This was the biggest investment I'd ever jumped into and I was hyperventilating for days prior to signing the papers. But we have now made it through 3 years of payments, including adding on a home equity loan so that we could do the basement. And not a-one has been late. I'm so proud of us!


In the course of those 3 years, I have hemmed and hawed over paint colors and slowly, I have made my mark on every room. I'm not one to move into a new space and paint every surface immediately. It takes me awhile to decide how I want a room to look and feel- decorating comes about as naturally to me as ice skating- incredibly slowly and with much pain and agony. Over the last few weeks, we took on the final frontier of the rooms- the first floor bathroom. Heinous is the only way that I can describe that room. Why would anyone choose beige tiles to go with white fixtures and a white tile floor? Why would they choose cheap and crappy tiles that crack? Why would someone strip off wallpaper, not clean the backing off the wall very well, and then paint purple over that, only to see the paint start to streak down the walls due to the poor cleaning job? Why would someone choose a light fixture and a faucet that are brushed nickel to go with the very large chrome mirror that's fixed into the wall? So many bad choices and so little money to do much to it. So, short of us gutting the bathroom (not an option right now), we did what we could: sanded the walls, primed the ceiling and walls so that the wallpaper backing wouldn't bleed through and create more streaks in the paint, painted a muted beige color to go with the tiles, hung a new shower rod and curtain. While it's still the same ugly tile and vanity, it feels at least fresh in there and I no longer feel like I am being attacked by a purple waterfall while getting ready in the morning. Our next step is to get rid of the hideous metal ultra-mini-blinds with the rust all over them. So, for about $75, our bathroom is as good as we can get it...for now, that is.


And might I add that Benjamin Moore's Aura paint is the greatest thing I have discovered yet at our local hardware store. It goes on like yogurt, is so easy to trim with, doesn't splatter at all, dries quickly, and has low VOC. What's not to love? And even better, I know that I'm helping out my local hardware store by shopping there instead of Home Depot. The guys and one gal at the store know me by name, know which project I'm working on and are so knowledgeable about everything in their store (let's compare that to the pissy employees who have blown me off at Home Depot and who act like I am ruining their day by dragging them away from their computer to get some questions answered).

Good intentions

I always have such great intentions of writing long essays here, but rarely do I get around to it. When I'm cleaning or cooking, I create blog updates in my head. The problem is that they never really make it out of my head and onto the screen.
Here's a great example: 2 weekends ago, Snugs and I went to the cabin with my parents for a wintery weekend. I've been meaning to write about it since we got back...and I have yet to do it. I feel a bit sheepish writing about it so long after the fact, but I've promised myself that I WILL do it.
On another delayed note, my appt this past Mon with the midwife went well. There was a student midwife working with her (from the U)- she was fantastic. They both were. I've gained 3 lbs, which makes 6 total. I was feeling as proud as a peacock until she informed me that she'd like me to gain 35 lbs TOTAL, since I started on the low side. I all but fell off the chair when she told me that. I'm hoping that the next 29 lbs are easier to put on than the last 6. And they clarified the "soft cheese" question for me- yes, it's ok to eat it as long as it's pasteurized. Which is good news, since I've been eating it for the last 18 weeks, even without their blessing.
Will write the cabin synopsis soon.

Eat more!

I was at the midwife yesterday for a quick check as I was spotting the night before. And because I'm concerned that I am hardly growing. I'm almost 16 weeks and all of my regular clothes still fit! The baby is fine, but the midwife informed me that I've only gained 3 lbs and while it's not too concerning yet, they'd like me to have gained 10 lbs total by 20 weeks. So, I'm supposed to eat more (apparently she didn't get the memo that I was voted "biggest eater" in my senior class in high school). I feel like I am eating all of the time, I am obsessed with anything dairy, I eat meat, I eat a very balanced diet. However, I think it's time to keep more high protein snacks around. I get so hungry so suddenly that it's hard to think about preparing something- I just need good food to be at hand and ready to go.
I think I will be off to the library today to find some good books on nutrition and pregnancy.
On a different food note, I was talking with Papa Behr yesterday and he informed me that he's ordering seeds for the spring already and that he found some heirloom tomatoes that he'd like to try this year! Yipppeee!! They are one of my favorite things to pick up from the farmer's market in the summer. If they were more readily available this year, I'd be eating them every day. The idea that he's thinking about seed orders already gives me hope that winter will be over one of these months and we can start dreaming about fresh foods again. This also means that I am going to start planning my summer months that I'll have off work and what things I want to learn from my mom this year- canning, making jam, etc. I think I can only pick a few things, as I'll have a wee one to tote with me. But what a perfect opportunity to spend more time with Mama Behr and finally have a summer off in which to learn these things!

Bun