Survivor

It's amazing that you can survive on little sleep for 2 months. And that you wake up one day and realize that 2 months have flown by in a fog and now little Peanut is smiling, cooing, batting at toys, can find us in the room when she hears our voices, etc. At the same time, I think it's been the longest 2 months of my life, as the constant questioning, researching, fretting, and sheer exhaustion make the days so long sometimes. I never thought that I would stress so much about being a mom. Yes, I work with babies all day at work and am comfortable with them, but it's the 24/7 duty of sleep schedules, feedings, baby sleeping too much one week and not enough the next, wondering if I am doing all the right things, wondering if breastfeeding is really working for us, etc that have me bound into a bundle of anxiety. Somehow, the babe grows and thrives in the midst of my fretting.

And let's talk about the unexpected parts of motherhood...

• No one warned me that I would feel like a camel when breastfeeding. The constant need for water is unbelievable!
• Sleeping when you are already over-tired becomes a challenge- it's almost harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.
• Feeling ready for bed at 8:30 pm. What?!??! I am a night owl, I can thrive on not much sleep. When I work day shifts at get up at 5:30, I can usually go to bed at 11 and be just fine. I would never dream of going to bed before 10:30. And now, it's all I can do to stay awake long enough to have a decent conversation with Snugs.
• How hard it is to have a conversation with Snugs that doesn't revolve around baby-ness and parenthood. And when we do have moments when it's just the two of us, I can barely put a sentence or a reasonable thought together.
• Staring at your child at the end of the day, when you're both exhausted, and thinking "she might have to be our one and only". I always pictured myself as a mother of 4. Now if I can make it through 1, I'll be doing well. Which is ironic, considering we aren't using b.c.
• How excited I get to have some moments away from Peanut, in which I can run errands without the 20 lbs of car sear/child. And how excited I am to see her again when I get home.
• The love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. Some days it's wonderful, other days I feel like she is absolutely fighting me and I can't tell if she's gotten enough food, whether I ate the wrong things, whether she likes bottling better, etc. I've had more than my fair share of moments of wondering if I should just pump and bottle, but heck, that sounds like double duty. Plus it's so easy in the middle of the night to just feed her and not have to trudge around for bottles.
• How I dread hearing her wake up 45 minutes into her naps, which is this week's phenomenon (one that I am less than pleased about). And that's what just happened now, so I am off to coax her into more sleep...