Day 1

Ok, so I should be cleaning, but instead of the "should" that I live my life by these days (as noted by my hubby), I am going with what I "want" to be doing.

Last night at work, I took care of a baby who isn't going to live. Coming onto a shift and getting hit with this news right away is a rough way to start off an introduction to a family I have never met before. The thoughts that kept crossing my mind were whether or not I could handle being in their position. Now that I have a child, I can't imagine having to make end of life decisions regarding her care. Wretchedly awful. I could barely keep the tears back as I worked with this over-wrought family. At one point, he was having one of his near-death spells, turning nearly black from holding his breath (a color that no parent should ever have to see in their baby's face), the family is crying, I'm trying not to freak out about whether I was going to call a "code blue" on him (no DNR in place yet), and I realized how good I can be at stuffing the emotions of my job and putting on the clinical task-driven face. I think that I have seen too many things on my job that would cause me to be angry, heart-broken, sad, or a questioner of how God allows things to happen in a certain way and therefore, it's easy to just add this to the tally of sad cases. I'm pretty sure I'm becoming somewhat cynical or just too scientific about this line of work and that I need to be ok with the pain of it and allow that to come out in a healthier way. I mean, even the doctor, who was writing the DNR order and discussing each of the options of what they were or weren't going to do to prolong his life, was weeping along with the mom. That was amazing to see, as physicians are usually so professional and not emotional about their jobs.

Anyway, none of this makes much sense as a paragraph, but I just needed to get some of this stuff out. Blech. And as for the baby- I hope he went home with his family today with Palliative Care. I gotta say, for a baby with Trisomy 13, he looked perfect (they usually don't). And I would say he out-performed most kids who have that diagnosis and he's lived longer, too (3 weeks). Amazing and yet so crappy all at the same time.

Give it a try...

I don't know about others who do blogs, but I have great intentions at least 15 times a day of posting. And it rarely happens. As I go about the (often) menial tasks of the day, I think of things to blog about: motherhood, stages of the babe, life, spirituality, cooking (well, mostly my love/hate relationship with it!), what we eat, the fun things that we do as a family, etc. But getting it from my head onto the screen is where the roadblock enters. For example, just getting this paragraph onto the screen has taken 10 minutes. Ten minutes of the babe falling over and getting stuck between the chair and table (to which I couldn't stop laughing), the oven timer going off, getting the next round of cookies in the oven, giving the remainder of the bottle to the babe, and then offering up multiple things from the table to keep her distracted whilst I type (at the moment, she's eating a wallet). And thus is my problem. I may have the thoughts to put on here, but by the time I get to sit down and type them out in peace, I can no longer remember having a brilliant thought in my day. (Side note: people weren't kidding when they talked about "mom brain". I have never felt so stupid in all of my life as I have in the last 9 months. I really and truly believe that when I pushed out a babe and then lost countless hours of sleep, I also pushed out and lost a chunk of my brain. It's unbelievable!).

So, all of this to say, I am going to make a pact with myself to blog each day for the next month. Even if it's one sentence at 11:59 pm, I want to say that I did it.

A great idea at first...

So my grand plan for the month of March was to do some serious spring cleaning. Ambitious for anyone with a baby, I'll admit, but cabin fever set it hard at the end of February and I needed a plan to make the (usually snowy) month of March pass quickly. Cleaning parts of the house that never see the likes of soap and water sounded like a great way to pass cold, snowy days. I made up a giant list of all of the things that I'd love to get cleaned. I started off strong and then something surprising happened. Spring came early. Not just a little bit of melting or sunny days in the 30s. We're talking full-on 50s and 60s, sunshine, snow melting in front of your eyes, robins appearing, birds merrily chirping early in the mornings SPRING. With this kind of glorious weather bidding me to be outside, my cleaning plans have been tossed aside like a prom dress. I've tried to stick with the cleaning, but honestly, as soon as I step outside, I just can't hack the indoors any longer. So, the 3 of us have been living it up out of doors as much as we can.

I will admit, I thought that I could ignore the gardens for awhile longer, reminding myself that it's only March and that there's plenty of time left to clear them from their wintry mess. But every time I stepped out the side door, I was greeted by the gardens and their blanket of mulch, all screaming at me to get outside and do something about it. So after I plunked Peanut down on a blanket where she was perfectly content to play with her toys, I dove into the gardens, discovering little spring treasures under the leaves. Hooray! I didn't finish all of it today, but I will admit, I was proud of myself for putting aside the list that feels like a weight around my neck, for seizing the moments of beautiful nature, and for putting down the rake after awhile in order to have some snuggle time in the canvas swing with Peanut.

And now that it's midnight, I figure it's time to crash. The list can wait yet another day. What's one more day for the fridge/freezer that haven't been defrosted or cleaned in 4 years?

Wintery Fun

Trying to enjoy the snow, now that it's warm enough to be outside with the babe.

We went to the cabin last weekend with my parents, my sister and BIL and new nephew, and good friend, Lyndi. It was a fantastic weekend of snow-shoeing, time spent in front of the roaring fire, and watching the skiers in the Birkebeiner ski race. Peanut got to go snow-shoeing with us in the backpack (thank you, Once Upon a Child, for the great pack that was so cheap!) and she seemed to love it. I felt so alive again, finally getting some fresh air and exercise. This is the part of winter that I love...warm enough to be outside and knowing that it's almost over!!

Can you tell she's a daddy's girl??

Hanging with cousin Theo- they spent a lot of time smiling at each other...and then she tries to hit him out of excitement.

The girlies at the Birkie. Main Street is packed with thousands of spectators, all ringing cowbells. It's the closest I'll probably ever get to the Olympics.

Bad Combo

Today: head cold coming on, cramps, and blocked milk ducts. I don't know what feels the worst: my sinuses, uterus or boob. Yeee-ouch from the head on down.

Smitten Kitten

Little Kitten for Halloween (too bad you can't see the tail in this photo)

This is how she wakes up the in morning. I am obsessed!!

Where does the time go? 4 months next week. How is our little Peanut so old already? And doing so many "big girl" things- reaches for things when we're holding her and something in our other hand, holding her head up, loves to stand on our laps, laughs, and last night, when I went in at midnight to feed her, I discovered that she was wide awake and on her back.... But she sleeps on her tummy, so somehow, she rolled over. Smart little cookie.

Yesterday she woke up from her afternoon nap quite cranky and so I sat down in the rocking chair to feed her. She ate and then dozed off at the end of the feeding. While I usually try to encourage naps in her crib, I decided to take advantage of this moment of bonding and just hold her for awhile. I couldn't help but marvel at her and realize how incredibly smitten I am with this little girl. I LOVE having a little girl and I am now realizing that I love being a mom! It was one heck of a rocky start, beginning with the 2.5 hours of insane labor and the fast delivery, all of which happened in a blur and seemed to leave me unprepared to be thrust into the realm of motherhood. I spent those first few months in a fog, as she wasn't a great sleeper, I was so anxious that I could barely sleep myself, I couldn't nap, I couldn't eat at times, I found myself getting angry about things that shouldn't have set me off, and I spent a lot of time wondering what I had gotten myself into. All of the things that I have used to define myself, such as my job, my friendships, my ability to stay on top of things and be organized, my freedom to keep a busy schedule and be out with my husband, all of those things were gone. And now, between working hard at getting her to sleep (thank you "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child") which has made her into a completely new baby, letting her sleep on her tummy, low dose anti-depressants for me, sleep for myself (well, still getting up 2-3 times a night, but it's do-able), and seeing her little personality come alive post-newborn phase, it's been an amazing month! I can honestly say that I look forward to spending her waking hours with her, I love going into her room in the morning (even if it is at 7 am) and seeing her hold her head up and peek around the room and grin as soon as she sees me, and I miss her dearly when I am at work (but am grateful for the little breaks and the adult conversation and the income!).

Freedom!!

Twofold freedom that we can celebrate:

1) Peanut is out of her Pavlik harness (for hip dysplasia aka hip dislocation)!! X-rays and exam all looked good this morning. I almost cried seeing her bare back again and her long legs in their entirety (not all pulled up into a frog position). She was NOT happy about the feeling of extending her legs, though. I suppose after 12 weeks of frog position, those muscles aren't really ready to be stretched. It'll take a few days and I'm sure she'll be kicking and loving it. Me- I will be bathing her non-stop and loving it. 12 weeks of sponge baths SUCKED- especially as she got so large- but she was such a good sport about it. Usually just smiled through it. Follow-up is in 9 months. Hallelujah!

2) Freedom from the pacifier at night and with naps since last Wed. She has slept SO soundly and now goes to bed around 8 pm and wakes around 8 am, waking just twice to feed. She occasionally fusses when we put her down in bed, but settles in after a couple of minutes. She's also on her tummy now (which I cringe at, since I teach parents all day at work to NOT do that), but it has made a huge difference as well. And she can find her hands when she sleeps on her tummy and she sucks on those to put herself back to sleep. I finally feel like my nerves are settling down (instead of waiting on pins and needles for every little sound that indicated that she was going to wake up YET AGAIN for the pacifier- usually 5-10 times a night) and I am able to sleep better. She's less crabby, I'm less crabby, Snugs is less crabby. We are a happy clan! In this process of trying to figure out sleep, I read some great books that I wish I would have read before she was born: No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, and Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. While every author had their different opinions on how to approach sleep issues, they all went through sleep cycles, how much sleep babies need, over-tiredness and how to catch babies before that point, and they all emphasized putting little babies down when they are drowsy but not asleep, so that they learn to fall asleep on their own (preferably without a nipple or pacifier in mouth at this time, too). I felt like a sponge soaking up all of that info. I couldn't stop referencing those books, but ultimately, it took a visit to our fantastic pediatrician to help me decide how to address her sleep issue. I was at melt-down point last week, so I took Peanut in to the clinic, which was the best decision I made. Our dr. asked so many questions about her sleep habits, how much sleep, naps, what things we've done to try to improve sleep, etc. It was so comprehensive and in the end, she said that it sounds like we've tried everything and it might be best to take away the pacifier for sleep and let her cry it out. She said she's not a big fan of "cry it out" and the books that militantly promote that, but she said it might work. And you know what?? She was right! The amazing thing is that Peanut does cry a little, but there has never been a long screaming episode in which I'm melting down and so is she. I think she's young enough still that she learned quickly to sleep without it. And now Snugs and I know better for next time around: no pacifier with sleep. And we will offer that up to everyone we know as our one piece of parent advice.