Bad Combo

Today: head cold coming on, cramps, and blocked milk ducts. I don't know what feels the worst: my sinuses, uterus or boob. Yeee-ouch from the head on down.

Smitten Kitten

Little Kitten for Halloween (too bad you can't see the tail in this photo)

This is how she wakes up the in morning. I am obsessed!!

Where does the time go? 4 months next week. How is our little Peanut so old already? And doing so many "big girl" things- reaches for things when we're holding her and something in our other hand, holding her head up, loves to stand on our laps, laughs, and last night, when I went in at midnight to feed her, I discovered that she was wide awake and on her back.... But she sleeps on her tummy, so somehow, she rolled over. Smart little cookie.

Yesterday she woke up from her afternoon nap quite cranky and so I sat down in the rocking chair to feed her. She ate and then dozed off at the end of the feeding. While I usually try to encourage naps in her crib, I decided to take advantage of this moment of bonding and just hold her for awhile. I couldn't help but marvel at her and realize how incredibly smitten I am with this little girl. I LOVE having a little girl and I am now realizing that I love being a mom! It was one heck of a rocky start, beginning with the 2.5 hours of insane labor and the fast delivery, all of which happened in a blur and seemed to leave me unprepared to be thrust into the realm of motherhood. I spent those first few months in a fog, as she wasn't a great sleeper, I was so anxious that I could barely sleep myself, I couldn't nap, I couldn't eat at times, I found myself getting angry about things that shouldn't have set me off, and I spent a lot of time wondering what I had gotten myself into. All of the things that I have used to define myself, such as my job, my friendships, my ability to stay on top of things and be organized, my freedom to keep a busy schedule and be out with my husband, all of those things were gone. And now, between working hard at getting her to sleep (thank you "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child") which has made her into a completely new baby, letting her sleep on her tummy, low dose anti-depressants for me, sleep for myself (well, still getting up 2-3 times a night, but it's do-able), and seeing her little personality come alive post-newborn phase, it's been an amazing month! I can honestly say that I look forward to spending her waking hours with her, I love going into her room in the morning (even if it is at 7 am) and seeing her hold her head up and peek around the room and grin as soon as she sees me, and I miss her dearly when I am at work (but am grateful for the little breaks and the adult conversation and the income!).

Freedom!!

Twofold freedom that we can celebrate:

1) Peanut is out of her Pavlik harness (for hip dysplasia aka hip dislocation)!! X-rays and exam all looked good this morning. I almost cried seeing her bare back again and her long legs in their entirety (not all pulled up into a frog position). She was NOT happy about the feeling of extending her legs, though. I suppose after 12 weeks of frog position, those muscles aren't really ready to be stretched. It'll take a few days and I'm sure she'll be kicking and loving it. Me- I will be bathing her non-stop and loving it. 12 weeks of sponge baths SUCKED- especially as she got so large- but she was such a good sport about it. Usually just smiled through it. Follow-up is in 9 months. Hallelujah!

2) Freedom from the pacifier at night and with naps since last Wed. She has slept SO soundly and now goes to bed around 8 pm and wakes around 8 am, waking just twice to feed. She occasionally fusses when we put her down in bed, but settles in after a couple of minutes. She's also on her tummy now (which I cringe at, since I teach parents all day at work to NOT do that), but it has made a huge difference as well. And she can find her hands when she sleeps on her tummy and she sucks on those to put herself back to sleep. I finally feel like my nerves are settling down (instead of waiting on pins and needles for every little sound that indicated that she was going to wake up YET AGAIN for the pacifier- usually 5-10 times a night) and I am able to sleep better. She's less crabby, I'm less crabby, Snugs is less crabby. We are a happy clan! In this process of trying to figure out sleep, I read some great books that I wish I would have read before she was born: No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, and Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. While every author had their different opinions on how to approach sleep issues, they all went through sleep cycles, how much sleep babies need, over-tiredness and how to catch babies before that point, and they all emphasized putting little babies down when they are drowsy but not asleep, so that they learn to fall asleep on their own (preferably without a nipple or pacifier in mouth at this time, too). I felt like a sponge soaking up all of that info. I couldn't stop referencing those books, but ultimately, it took a visit to our fantastic pediatrician to help me decide how to address her sleep issue. I was at melt-down point last week, so I took Peanut in to the clinic, which was the best decision I made. Our dr. asked so many questions about her sleep habits, how much sleep, naps, what things we've done to try to improve sleep, etc. It was so comprehensive and in the end, she said that it sounds like we've tried everything and it might be best to take away the pacifier for sleep and let her cry it out. She said she's not a big fan of "cry it out" and the books that militantly promote that, but she said it might work. And you know what?? She was right! The amazing thing is that Peanut does cry a little, but there has never been a long screaming episode in which I'm melting down and so is she. I think she's young enough still that she learned quickly to sleep without it. And now Snugs and I know better for next time around: no pacifier with sleep. And we will offer that up to everyone we know as our one piece of parent advice.

And we're done...

Well, the no-pacifier plan for nighttime is over. As are the l-o-n-g stretches of sleep that she gave us for 3 nights. It was a bad night with not enough sleep for anyone. So, we are back to the pacifier and we are loaded up with new books on sleep. The one I am devouring at the moment is 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution" By Elizabeth Pantley. Thus far, am loving it. She has methods of getting babies and older kids to sleep without going to either the "cry it out" or the "just live with it" camps. So we are going to read this book from cover to cover and starting tomorrow, we will start logging Peanut's naps and night-time sleep (and wakings!). From there, we'll start working on new habits. Thankfully, this woman totally understands the baby or toddler who won't sleep without something in their mouth and frequently wake up when they realize that it's not there anymore. And much of her plan to get kids sleeping longer focuses on weaning them off of this in a loving, gentle way. Which is really all we can do with a 10 week old who is too young for crying it out and is dearly attached to her pacifier. So, stay tuned for the results of this woman's ideas- though she does state that it can take weeks to months. That's fine, as long as we see improvement from the current nighttime disaster!

On a side note, I was thinking about how depressing it can be to talk to other parents when they ask you how nights are going and you tell them the truth. Either they tell you their horror stories about how their 18 month old still doesn't sleep through the night or they give you glowing reports of how their baby slept through the night for 8 hours by the time they were 4 weeks old. FYI, peeps- neither of those makes an overwrought new mother feel any better!

Turkey-Lurkey

Nope, not a post about the holiday. Rather, a posting chronicling going "cold turkey" with no pacifier use at night. It's something that started to become an issue about 2 weeks ago, in which Peanut started to wake up frequently during the night, just for her pacifier. At first, it was fine. When it became 5 or 6 times a night, it was getting ridiculous. She couldn't keep herself asleep without it. We were debating getting rid of it altogether, but we decided to wait to read some books from the library. Well, seeing as how we're still waiting on those ordered books to be ready for pick-up at the library (really, how long can it take??? Especially when there are available copies that just need to be brought in from a different branch!), we had to take matters into our own hands. On Tues night, she was awake within 45 minutes of being put down for bed and fussing for her pacifier. Ugh. So, we stopped giving it to her. There was a lot of rocking, shushing (Thank you, Dr Karp "The Happiest Baby on the Block"), screaming on her part, etc But it finally worked and she fell asleep sans pacifier. And she stayed asleep for 4 hours, after which she woke up to eat and then went right back to sleep.

Night #2 Went to bed easily without the pacifier, as she had just bottled and drifted off to sleep while being burped. We laid her down and she slept for 4 hours. 1:30 am feeding- ate and then proceeded to scream until 2 because I tried to put her down without the pacifier. Again, lots of rocking, shushing, etc She did wake up once about 10 minutes later and we rocked her (well, the standing/jiggling/side-lying kind of rocking) and then put her down. She slept until 7:3o am. Like a rock.

Night #3 Fussed at bedtime (well, screamed is more like it for this feisty girl) for about 20 minutes, then went down and slept until 3:30 am. Wow. Went to bed easily after her feeding. Was awake at 6:15, which she hasn't done in a week or so. I didn't know what to do with her, so I fed her and brought her to bed with me and she slept until 8. Pacifier free.

I think the trade off here is that now I've become the pacifier, meaning that if she eats, she'll drift off to sleep. Or that she needs to be rocked to near-sleep, whereas before we could put her in bed somewhat awake, but with the pacifier, and she'd conk out. But she is sleeping soundly for long periods of time, which is a sigh of relief for all.

I will add two things to this. 1) I'm discovering how much I fear her temper at bedtime. She is such a pistol and her screams can get to me, to the point that I lose patience and start to worry about whether I can keep my calm with her. It's so hard to remember that I am the adult and that she is a little baby who can't control things. And that the ways in which we talk to her and treat her are already forming her emotions and brain. 2) The Pacifier is still in use during the day. We aren't brave enough to take it away altogether.

Survivor

It's amazing that you can survive on little sleep for 2 months. And that you wake up one day and realize that 2 months have flown by in a fog and now little Peanut is smiling, cooing, batting at toys, can find us in the room when she hears our voices, etc. At the same time, I think it's been the longest 2 months of my life, as the constant questioning, researching, fretting, and sheer exhaustion make the days so long sometimes. I never thought that I would stress so much about being a mom. Yes, I work with babies all day at work and am comfortable with them, but it's the 24/7 duty of sleep schedules, feedings, baby sleeping too much one week and not enough the next, wondering if I am doing all the right things, wondering if breastfeeding is really working for us, etc that have me bound into a bundle of anxiety. Somehow, the babe grows and thrives in the midst of my fretting.

And let's talk about the unexpected parts of motherhood...

• No one warned me that I would feel like a camel when breastfeeding. The constant need for water is unbelievable!
• Sleeping when you are already over-tired becomes a challenge- it's almost harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.
• Feeling ready for bed at 8:30 pm. What?!??! I am a night owl, I can thrive on not much sleep. When I work day shifts at get up at 5:30, I can usually go to bed at 11 and be just fine. I would never dream of going to bed before 10:30. And now, it's all I can do to stay awake long enough to have a decent conversation with Snugs.
• How hard it is to have a conversation with Snugs that doesn't revolve around baby-ness and parenthood. And when we do have moments when it's just the two of us, I can barely put a sentence or a reasonable thought together.
• Staring at your child at the end of the day, when you're both exhausted, and thinking "she might have to be our one and only". I always pictured myself as a mother of 4. Now if I can make it through 1, I'll be doing well. Which is ironic, considering we aren't using b.c.
• How excited I get to have some moments away from Peanut, in which I can run errands without the 20 lbs of car sear/child. And how excited I am to see her again when I get home.
• The love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. Some days it's wonderful, other days I feel like she is absolutely fighting me and I can't tell if she's gotten enough food, whether I ate the wrong things, whether she likes bottling better, etc. I've had more than my fair share of moments of wondering if I should just pump and bottle, but heck, that sounds like double duty. Plus it's so easy in the middle of the night to just feed her and not have to trudge around for bottles.
• How I dread hearing her wake up 45 minutes into her naps, which is this week's phenomenon (one that I am less than pleased about). And that's what just happened now, so I am off to coax her into more sleep...

Music Obsession

I go through phases with music and often it comes with changes of season or life changes.  I turned on some James Taylor for Peanut this morning, the October Road album.  Was listening to the words of "September Grass" and found myself getting nostalgic and dreamy about the approaching autumn.  Probably helps that it was a breezy, autumnal 51 degrees out this morning!