And we're done...

Well, the no-pacifier plan for nighttime is over. As are the l-o-n-g stretches of sleep that she gave us for 3 nights. It was a bad night with not enough sleep for anyone. So, we are back to the pacifier and we are loaded up with new books on sleep. The one I am devouring at the moment is 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution" By Elizabeth Pantley. Thus far, am loving it. She has methods of getting babies and older kids to sleep without going to either the "cry it out" or the "just live with it" camps. So we are going to read this book from cover to cover and starting tomorrow, we will start logging Peanut's naps and night-time sleep (and wakings!). From there, we'll start working on new habits. Thankfully, this woman totally understands the baby or toddler who won't sleep without something in their mouth and frequently wake up when they realize that it's not there anymore. And much of her plan to get kids sleeping longer focuses on weaning them off of this in a loving, gentle way. Which is really all we can do with a 10 week old who is too young for crying it out and is dearly attached to her pacifier. So, stay tuned for the results of this woman's ideas- though she does state that it can take weeks to months. That's fine, as long as we see improvement from the current nighttime disaster!

On a side note, I was thinking about how depressing it can be to talk to other parents when they ask you how nights are going and you tell them the truth. Either they tell you their horror stories about how their 18 month old still doesn't sleep through the night or they give you glowing reports of how their baby slept through the night for 8 hours by the time they were 4 weeks old. FYI, peeps- neither of those makes an overwrought new mother feel any better!

Turkey-Lurkey

Nope, not a post about the holiday. Rather, a posting chronicling going "cold turkey" with no pacifier use at night. It's something that started to become an issue about 2 weeks ago, in which Peanut started to wake up frequently during the night, just for her pacifier. At first, it was fine. When it became 5 or 6 times a night, it was getting ridiculous. She couldn't keep herself asleep without it. We were debating getting rid of it altogether, but we decided to wait to read some books from the library. Well, seeing as how we're still waiting on those ordered books to be ready for pick-up at the library (really, how long can it take??? Especially when there are available copies that just need to be brought in from a different branch!), we had to take matters into our own hands. On Tues night, she was awake within 45 minutes of being put down for bed and fussing for her pacifier. Ugh. So, we stopped giving it to her. There was a lot of rocking, shushing (Thank you, Dr Karp "The Happiest Baby on the Block"), screaming on her part, etc But it finally worked and she fell asleep sans pacifier. And she stayed asleep for 4 hours, after which she woke up to eat and then went right back to sleep.

Night #2 Went to bed easily without the pacifier, as she had just bottled and drifted off to sleep while being burped. We laid her down and she slept for 4 hours. 1:30 am feeding- ate and then proceeded to scream until 2 because I tried to put her down without the pacifier. Again, lots of rocking, shushing, etc She did wake up once about 10 minutes later and we rocked her (well, the standing/jiggling/side-lying kind of rocking) and then put her down. She slept until 7:3o am. Like a rock.

Night #3 Fussed at bedtime (well, screamed is more like it for this feisty girl) for about 20 minutes, then went down and slept until 3:30 am. Wow. Went to bed easily after her feeding. Was awake at 6:15, which she hasn't done in a week or so. I didn't know what to do with her, so I fed her and brought her to bed with me and she slept until 8. Pacifier free.

I think the trade off here is that now I've become the pacifier, meaning that if she eats, she'll drift off to sleep. Or that she needs to be rocked to near-sleep, whereas before we could put her in bed somewhat awake, but with the pacifier, and she'd conk out. But she is sleeping soundly for long periods of time, which is a sigh of relief for all.

I will add two things to this. 1) I'm discovering how much I fear her temper at bedtime. She is such a pistol and her screams can get to me, to the point that I lose patience and start to worry about whether I can keep my calm with her. It's so hard to remember that I am the adult and that she is a little baby who can't control things. And that the ways in which we talk to her and treat her are already forming her emotions and brain. 2) The Pacifier is still in use during the day. We aren't brave enough to take it away altogether.

Survivor

It's amazing that you can survive on little sleep for 2 months. And that you wake up one day and realize that 2 months have flown by in a fog and now little Peanut is smiling, cooing, batting at toys, can find us in the room when she hears our voices, etc. At the same time, I think it's been the longest 2 months of my life, as the constant questioning, researching, fretting, and sheer exhaustion make the days so long sometimes. I never thought that I would stress so much about being a mom. Yes, I work with babies all day at work and am comfortable with them, but it's the 24/7 duty of sleep schedules, feedings, baby sleeping too much one week and not enough the next, wondering if I am doing all the right things, wondering if breastfeeding is really working for us, etc that have me bound into a bundle of anxiety. Somehow, the babe grows and thrives in the midst of my fretting.

And let's talk about the unexpected parts of motherhood...

• No one warned me that I would feel like a camel when breastfeeding. The constant need for water is unbelievable!
• Sleeping when you are already over-tired becomes a challenge- it's almost harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.
• Feeling ready for bed at 8:30 pm. What?!??! I am a night owl, I can thrive on not much sleep. When I work day shifts at get up at 5:30, I can usually go to bed at 11 and be just fine. I would never dream of going to bed before 10:30. And now, it's all I can do to stay awake long enough to have a decent conversation with Snugs.
• How hard it is to have a conversation with Snugs that doesn't revolve around baby-ness and parenthood. And when we do have moments when it's just the two of us, I can barely put a sentence or a reasonable thought together.
• Staring at your child at the end of the day, when you're both exhausted, and thinking "she might have to be our one and only". I always pictured myself as a mother of 4. Now if I can make it through 1, I'll be doing well. Which is ironic, considering we aren't using b.c.
• How excited I get to have some moments away from Peanut, in which I can run errands without the 20 lbs of car sear/child. And how excited I am to see her again when I get home.
• The love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. Some days it's wonderful, other days I feel like she is absolutely fighting me and I can't tell if she's gotten enough food, whether I ate the wrong things, whether she likes bottling better, etc. I've had more than my fair share of moments of wondering if I should just pump and bottle, but heck, that sounds like double duty. Plus it's so easy in the middle of the night to just feed her and not have to trudge around for bottles.
• How I dread hearing her wake up 45 minutes into her naps, which is this week's phenomenon (one that I am less than pleased about). And that's what just happened now, so I am off to coax her into more sleep...

Music Obsession

I go through phases with music and often it comes with changes of season or life changes.  I turned on some James Taylor for Peanut this morning, the October Road album.  Was listening to the words of "September Grass" and found myself getting nostalgic and dreamy about the approaching autumn.  Probably helps that it was a breezy, autumnal 51 degrees out this morning!

Monumental Month

Today is the last day of July.  It's been a big month for us, but then again, July has always been like that for us.  4 years ago yesterday, Snugs took me by utter and complete surprise and proposed at Lake Harriet (a significant place in our relationship).  And being the sweetheart that he is, he celebrated this date last night by bringing me a card & a bottle of wine (Hogue Riesling, which we had the night we got engaged).  Me, being the fogged-over new mom that I am, forgot what date it even was until later in the day & the thought never even crossed my mind to get him something.  Talk about feeling like a loser of a wife! 

Two years ago, our July was memorable, but not in a happy way.  We had our first midwife appt July 9 of that year, heard the baby's heartbeat, then found out on July 20 that the baby wasn't alive anymore.  A D & C followed on July 30 (not a good way to celebrate that anniversary!).  

And this year, on  July 17, after much waiting to get pregnant, waiting to hear that all was well at the appts, and then 8 days of over-due-ness, little Peanut arrived at 6 lbs 12 oz.  She is beauty and feistiness and wonder all in one little bundle.

What Now?

4 days overdue.  While I've known for months that a due date is a date to hold with an open hand and not a tightly clenched fist, it's still discouraging to pass that date up and realize that you're still as large as ever.  Today is the first day of maternity leave for me.  While I could probably try to pick up more shifts at work and push the start date back a little bit longer, part of me dreads going into work and hearing "What are you doing here?" and "You're still pregnant?".  As if those thoughts don't go through my own head often enough throughout the day.  

We have tried everything to get this baby out.  Everyone has their stories of what worked for them to induce labor and they all feel free to share them with me.  Other than resorting to castor oil, I do believe we have tried it all: spicy food, LONG walks, scrubbing floors, physical labor around the house, sex, having my membranes stripped/swept by the midwife, acupressure, resting, and the list goes on.  Today I'll try the chiropractor and see if that does anything (if nothing else, it will help my poor pelvis to get realigned, as it HURTS to have a baby sitting this low for this long).  The frustrating part for me is that I've had good contractions 3 or 4 times now, but nothing that sticks around longer than a few hours.  But they're the kind of contractions that you have to breathe through, that hurt like none other, but I always hesitate to call the midwife.  The nurse on the phone today informed me that the next time I get those going, I need to call and see about coming in during those contractions and maybe having my water broken to keep things chugging along.  My body is certainly ready for this baby to come out- 4+ cm dilated, effaced, baby is REALLY low.  Even the midwives have been surprised the 2 times that I've been in that I haven't pushed this little pot roast out yet!

From an emotional standpoint, I've been ok with having these extra days to get things done and to enjoy time with friends, family, and Snugs.  It's been incredible July weather- sunny, high 70s, no humidity.  We had the chance on Sat to nearly finish our fence (photos to come eventually) and do outdoorsy projects.  We went to the rodeo on Fri evening out in Hamel- it's amazing how you don't have to go too far from home to have a small town cultural experience!  I feel pretty good and energized, so it's easy for me to keep moving.  For all of these things, I am incredibly grateful.  But I am still a hormonal, overdue lady, so I did have several breakdowns yesterday, one of which was triggered on our walk.  I saw this couple walk past us with a tiny 1-2 week old baby in an orange BOB stroller just like ours and the sight of them pushing their baby at a brisk pace while I lumbered along was enough to induce tears.  I kept thinking that it should have been us pushing along a little tyke in the orange BOB. 

For now we wait.  And do a lot of laundry to pass the time.

Unplanned Bliss

Reflections between contractions (is this really it or is it a false alarm like several weeks ago?)...

Our plans to head to the family cabin last weekend were cut short by the midwife's news that being dilated to 2-3 and 90% effaced meant I should stay close by home.  I"ll admit that I was a little ticked off.  But as the weekend began with Snugs taking a half day off on Friday, we quickly realized that we had an entire 2.5 days with NOTHING planned.  That NEVER happens for us.  Our weekends consist of work at the hospital for me, gigs for him, church responsibilities, gatherings with friends and family , etc.  To rest and just 'be' on a weekend doesn't usually happen unless we leave town.

In retrospect, it was the best way to spend our (likely) last weekend together before becoming a family of 3.  Since I am working this holiday weekend that we're currently in, it was blissful to have an entire weekend with my honey...finally went to eat at Victor's 1959 Cafe for some tasty mango pancakes, worked on little projects around the house, went to a movie at the last minute with Lyndi and Aaron, sat outside and for once just enjoyed our deck (instead of working in the yard), ate ice cream pie in our new adirondack chairs out in the front yard (Snugs spent many hours working on those chairs- so fun to actually use them).  That, combined with the perfect summer evenings, made for some sweet memories that will forever live on as the best married weekend we've had yet and the last full weekend that was "ours" before starting life with kids.